How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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