Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
