Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
