it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
