I want to make a zoo with you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
