Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
