OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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