You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
