spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
