my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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