I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.