her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.