No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess