I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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