dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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