You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
