You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
