I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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