i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
