no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
