The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
