when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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