I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
