How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
