I wish my penis had an off switch
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
