Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
