Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
