I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
