I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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