there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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