party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
