Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
