Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
