whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
