You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
