cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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