you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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