The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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