at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize