I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
