he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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