When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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