Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
