so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just pee around me
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
