at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
