i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
