Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
