Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
