I wanna bring you to show and tell
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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