your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
