a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
