In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
