I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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