My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
