Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dick has a subreddit
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
