Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
