That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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