i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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