so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
